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Friday, October 24, 2008

My Dad is dead.

As an adult, you know you will face the day when you lose your parents. I didn't think today was the day. My Dad and I were never all that close- my parents separated when I was young and my memories of him aren't the greatest. We've struggled to have any sort of real relationship throughout the years until 2003 when I thought things might be a little different. My sister, brother-in-law (sister's boyfriend at the time), my husband Andy, and I, along with Owen who was just a year old, traveled out to CA to visit him. Things went as well as expected and my son got meet his other grandpa. I was also newly pregnant with Aidan at the time so it was a pretty emotional visit.

Since then, our relationship went downhill even further after I found out he was remarried for the 3rd time since my Mom. I didn't know when I'd ever see him again and we didn't talk but he was alive. And now he's not. He's been living in the Philippines for awhile and haven't talked to him since he moved. I heard he suffered a heart attack at home and couldn't get to the hospital in time so he died on the way. I am in shock. I have cried. I have sat there blankly trying to process it all. It is just sad that we didn't have a better relationship and now he is gone. I don't know what else to say.

Owen saw me crying and then I heard him crying in the other room. Andy went to check on him and brought him out to me. He hates to see me so sad and he told me that he was crying because he thought about the baby dying. It makes me so sad that he is so deeply affected by my miscarriage. He's such a sweet, extraordinary kid. I would welcome any baby we were to ever have with loving arms, but even more so for Owen. He is an incredible big brother and his heart is so full of love.

I know that is an incredibly personal entry, but I need to write this as it is helping me process all of this. I also wanted to post a couple of photos that were just taken earlier this evening before a life changing event happened to me.

My awesome boys. We had so much fun tonight with these costumes. They were loving getting these pictures taken.

After the Halloween party, they were playing in the dark with flashlights so I started playing too. This only took three tries to perfect! In case you're wondering... I opened up my shutter for 30 seconds and clicked the flashlight on and off for each individual letter while writing the letters in mirror-image.

Life is so short. Remember to spend time with your loved ones and always let them know how you feel. You never know how much time you're going to have. My dad has no idea how wonderful my boys are or that I am running my own business as a photographer. I only hope that wherever he is now, he can see me and I hope that he's proud of me.


Laurie said...

So sorry for your loss. I haven't heard or seen from my father in 15 years - no idea where he is or if he's alive. He has no idea that I have all these beautiful wonderful kids or that I'm married to an amazing man. My "step"dad is the only dad I've really ever known.

Thank you for the reminder that life is short and not tomorrow isn't guaranteed to any of us.

I LOVE your name in lights - super cute!

Big hugz
Laurie & Crew

MandMKoehn_3Kids said...

Olivia and family - We are SO sorry for your loss. I received a txted message from Kuya Edel about your Dad. We will keep you and your whole family in our prayers. Love Myra and family

The Ramos Family said...

Hi Olivia - so sorry to hear about your dad - in both respects, in his death and your disappointment in him and the choices he made. How could he be anything but proud of you - you're an amazing person to so many people. I'm sure he regretted not having a closer relationship with you, even if his actions didn't reflect that. I was reading on Trin's blog about how he had followed his dream of building a beautiful resort...... sounds like you carry a piece of your dad with you - as you are taken down the path of following your passion. Try to remember and celebrate the good things, if you can find them in your heart. I'll be thinking of you.


tasha herrgott | dolce said...

I just read this, Olivia... I am so sorry. I would love to think that your dad can see you and has always been so proud of you! I don't think there's ever a time in a parents life where they don't wish the best for their children... May the good times live on in your memories and the love in your family grow.

I miss you and hope to see you soon!