My Dad is dead.

As an adult, you know you will face the day when you lose your parents. I didn't think today was the day. My Dad and I were never all that close- my parents separated when I was young and my memories of him aren't the greatest. We've struggled to have any sort of real relationship throughout the years until 2003 when I thought things might be a little different. My sister, brother-in-law (sister's boyfriend at the time), my husband Andy, and I, along with Owen who was just a year old, traveled out to CA to visit him. Things went as well as expected and my son got meet his other grandpa. I was also newly pregnant with Aidan at the time so it was a pretty emotional visit.

Since then, our relationship went downhill even further after I found out he was remarried for the 3rd time since my Mom. I didn't know when I'd ever see him again and we didn't talk but he was alive. And now he's not. He's been living in the Philippines for awhile and haven't talked to him since he moved. I heard he suffered a heart attack at home and couldn't get to the hospital in time so he died on the way. I am in shock. I have cried. I have sat there blankly trying to process it all. It is just sad that we didn't have a better relationship and now he is gone. I don't know what else to say.

Owen saw me crying and then I heard him crying in the other room. Andy went to check on him and brought him out to me. He hates to see me so sad and he told me that he was crying because he thought about the baby dying. It makes me so sad that he is so deeply affected by my miscarriage. He's such a sweet, extraordinary kid. I would welcome any baby we were to ever have with loving arms, but even more so for Owen. He is an incredible big brother and his heart is so full of love.

I know that is an incredibly personal entry, but I need to write this as it is helping me process all of this. I also wanted to post a couple of photos that were just taken earlier this evening before a life changing event happened to me.

My awesome boys. We had so much fun tonight with these costumes. They were loving getting these pictures taken.


After the Halloween party, they were playing in the dark with flashlights so I started playing too. This only took three tries to perfect! In case you're wondering... I opened up my shutter for 30 seconds and clicked the flashlight on and off for each individual letter while writing the letters in mirror-image.

Life is so short. Remember to spend time with your loved ones and always let them know how you feel. You never know how much time you're going to have. My dad has no idea how wonderful my boys are or that I am running my own business as a photographer. I only hope that wherever he is now, he can see me and I hope that he's proud of me.